Hello 31. We are only hours in and you suck already. I write this on the aftermath of what I would consider THE worst birthday one could have. Before we get into the nitty gritty of things let me just say I'm going to give you your couple hours then we are gonna turn this thing around real quick, ya hear me?!
I'm a "birthday girl"... yea, one of those! One that has a countdown and could celebrate all month if you let her. However, these days the kids get to open my presents (and then get pissed when it's not a new toy for them, but instead new socks for momma! Aren't new socks THE BEST! Black ankle ones! Can't ever have enough!) Or them blowing out MY candle before I can make a wish. Or eating all the fresh strawberries off my cake leaving me crumbs. As I've said before (when I was 30) one of my FAVORITE things to do on my day is scroll thru all the birthday well wishes from friends and family. That people take the time, (even tho FB does an excellent job of reminding you) out of their day to shoot me smiley face or message that they've been thinking of me and hope my day is magical.
The irony of this whole story is that I'm sure you've all seen THE MOST MAGICAL day that we, my family, had over the weekend. The kids FIRST ASTROS game. Now that, that was legit magical. What almost 2 yr old little boy goes to his first Astros game and gets thrown a ball from one of the up and coming pitchers in the league? Or seats so close to the dugout you can wave to the players? Or hear the crack of the bat when a foul ball is headed your way... MAGICAL.
Magical wouldn't quite be the word I would use for Tuesday, May 30th 2017. Get to work and my girls did it up! Waiting for me at my desk is a couple bottles of Rose' champagne, my favorite hairspray, a GC To Whataburger and some bubble bath. Funny to write it out but that's me in a nutshell, champagne with a burger and fries in the bath tub! Easy to please huh?!! I'm basically the "momma bear" of the group, being there the longest and the only one with kids, Let's just say they know me pretty well and did spoil me on my day!
Fast forward to a busy work day and my phone blowing up with the sweetest messages and texts. However, I did get one that shook me and will set the stage for the rest of my life...
Girl whom I don't know: Ashley
Me: Yes
Girl whom I don't know: Your husband is a cheater!
Me: ummmmm... what do you mean? What's going on?
Girl whom I don't know proceeds to spill all the details and send me multiple screen shots of conversations they've had and so on and so forth.
(Mic drop) yeaaaaaa... not so magical huh?! Happy freakin birthday Ash. Keep in mind I still have to go about my day. I'm sweating, my hands are clammy, my heart is now in my feet and I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry or do that cry laugh thing psyko people do in the movies. Like is this happening? Is this real life?
It is.
Real life.
And to be honest I though long and hard about writing this all out and sharing it to the world. But it's my first step to a better tomorrow. Not really sure why this happened? Not sure I'll ever know. Sad thing is, as surprised as I was. I'm not surprised. The most heartbreaking thing is that mistakes can be forgiven but the feeling your left with never truly goes away. The why me? Why wasn't I enough? I was beyond faithful my whole marriage and gave it my all. Some days more than others, but none the less I gave it.
Marriage is by far THE hardest thing I've ever endured. Harder than pushing out two perfect kids. Harder than getting up for work when you've been cleaning up throw up from your sick kids all night. Harder than sitting in traffic on I45 for 7 years so that you can go to work and provide for your family. Harder than getting a message from some rando girl telling your your husband has been unfaithful. Ok, well maybe that one compares, but you get the point.
So what now?
Well I'm currently wide awake and have been since 3am. I can hear the lullabies from Beckham's room playing over and over. Harper is sleeping sideways in my bed (I needed her cuddles) with her feet in my throat. She's somehow managed to turn her body to a full 180 from when I first laid her down and the dog is at the foot of my bed laying on top of the covers so my feet are trapped. Honestly, I just want to press my "easy button" and not have to deal with any of the above. I just want to pop my champagne and take a week long bubble bath? Is that too much to ask?
Thing is, I have to get up in 2 hours. Get ready, get the kids ready. Take them to my amazing mother in laws house. Hug her and tell her how much I appreciate her. Drive to work in traffic. Be a superstar at work and come home to do it all over again. And again. And again.
The pain is starting to set in. I'm not a fan of pain. Even tho I've dealt with my fair share of pain and heartache over the last couple years it never gets easier. Thankfully, I just finished this amazing book and the one thing that really stuck out to me was this,
"The journey of a love warrior is to rush toward her pain and allow her pain to become her power. "
Powerful stuff huh?! I can do this. I was made to do hard things. I will survive. I will thrive. Life will be ok.
I will be ok.
31. I won't let you win. You won't get the best of me. I may be a hott mess at this moment, but the sun rises and so will this momma!
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